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a year on..

A year on~

 

I treated myself to fake nails today, to celebrate my first Mercy Birthday.

To sit and reflect tonight, and ponder the year that has been.  Its been a bit of a roller coaster of a ride, I'm not going to lie and say it has been easy, its been far from it. And at times it has been the hardest fight so far. But I have made it. I've gone 365 days without being admitted to the psych ward. I've gone 365 days without a visit to the ER. Its been achievement, especially knowing what I faced before my Mercy journey.

I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared for life out of Mercy. You spend all this time within the safety of the Mercy walls. Having love and caring staff members all around you. Knowing that at the knock of a door, you can have someone to talk to, to pray for you and to work through things that are on your mind.

I know that over my 8mths at Mercy, I was taught the coping skills I would need to do life on my own, with God. I was taught to love myself, to forgive, to trust and to tell myself the truth.

When I was swung back into the real world, I didn’t expect the turbulent ride that I have experienced. I have had many difficult times. And during some of that, I often wondered what one earth was happening to me. Where had God gone? Why was everything so hard? And I sometimes doubted all the work that I have put into my time at Mercy. I had gone back to my old coping mechanisms, I was at times living the life I lived before my time at Mercy, and I ultimately started doubting  God. I grew to be so disappointed in myself and in God.

But God has been so good. He has helped me to pull through those hard times. When I have remained faithful, He has also.

I've had to really pull on those things that I learnt at Mercy. I had to put into practice the truths that I have began to live out in my life while at Mercy. I had to remain determined to keep walking in my freedom. Its been a daily decision to accept His grace and mercy in my life. To live out the truths in my life.  That’s been the biggest thing that Gods taught me over the last year. Its always been something that ive felt strongly about, that in life, God offers us 2 choices, blessings and curses, life and death. Now choose life, so that I might live. But now I am actually living and walking on that word. I am choosing to accept the blessings in life and rejecting the lies of the enemy that in that past has almost destroyed me.

I've just started to study Mental Health Work, which im loving. And I continue to look for work. I love being involved in church life, helping with youth group, administration work and the coffee cart. I'm passionate to share what God has done in my life, knowing that the truth really does set you free.

I'm living in freedom. And im finally loving the life that I am living. And I have God to thank for that. That in his instrument, Mercy Ministries, I'm happy to be alive. I take each breath with a thankful heart, thankful for Mercy Ministries, thankful for all the wonderful staff at Mercy, thankful of all my family and friends that haven’t given up on me, and ultimately, thankful of God for giving me a second chance at life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

enough is enough

i see so many people i love and hold dearly slowly being eaten away by the lies of the enemy. i know that i go on about this, but i think its soooo important that we all know the truth in our lives and to be living in it daily.
i think of the people that i know are struggling with this in their lives and i know there will be many others that maybe not so visable. But i know there are alot, and it just tears me up inside. Ive been there, ive walked that journey the hard way. Ive lived a life where i have literally allowed the enemy to eat away at my soul and my almost kill me many times.
Either ive let people speak lies into my life or i have let the effects of my own personal life experiences inscribe lies into my heart. They have become the core of who i am. how i live out my days.

but enough is enough my friends. 

its time to let the truth set us free. i know, easy said than done. but i have walked the journey and know without a shadow of a doubt that it WILL set you free!!!

im not trying to condemn you or judge you, far from that. i just want you to experience the same freedom that i have. i know what its like to wake each morning feeling that you life is a waste, that you have no value or purpose in life. I know what it feels like to feel forgotten, to feel unloved and unwanted. it tears at the very depth of your soul. it makes you think destructive thoughts. it makes you question you very reason to keep breathing. 

but enough is enough, its time to put a stop to those lies from the very pit of hell and start believing the very truths that will set you free!!

i hear you say, but i have always thought this way. I have always felt this neglected ache in my heart. ive been told all of this all of my life, others have spoken these horrible words over my life- they must be true. life tells me that all of this is fact. 

i know it my friend. thats what got me to my darkest hour. thats what put me on the verge of death many times.

but enough is enough, its time to change. 

its time to change, its time to take charge over your life again, its time to take back the reigns from the enemy and put them back in Gods hands. He is the author and perfector of life. He didnt make us to live this depressive and destructive life. He made us to enjoy life and to enjoy it to the fullest.

He can....
He will....
.............. but will you?

dwelling on your past is letting it control you

Dwelling on your past is to let it control you

 

Some know my story, some don’t. basically I grew up in a broken family with broken people. Your typical happy safe family life was a far cry from what my childhood was. My childhood consisted of divorce, rejection, bullying and countless sexual assaults. This all resulted in a very low self esteem and depression.

The constant memories of my broken childhood kept me bound in a dark pit. I lived a life I hated. And eventually started the vicious cycle of daily self harming myself and countless attempts at suicide. I was hospitalized many times, put on an array of psych meds and had been given just about every psych diagnoses there is.

Amongst all this, my relationship with God was up and down. When things were good… me and God were good…. When things were bad, me and God basically didn’t exists. I soon grew to hate God and didn’t understand why all this stuff was happening to me. Why me and not the girl next door? Hadn’t he given me enough to deal with?

I had tried everything and decided rehab was my last chance to turn my life around.

There I learnt to love myself all over again, learnt to cope with the pain that my past had bought me and learnt to love life again. I graduated after 8 months in rehab and was excited about the new life I was about to start. Things can only get better from here.

But boy was I wrong. The honeymoon period was soon over and the reality of life returned and I started to spiral downwards again. I turned back to my old coping skills, daily self harming again and constant thoughts of attempting suicide again. Life just seemed to continue to get worse. I couldn’t handle it anymore and decided this was it.

I headed to the beach with the intent of never returning home, never seeing my loved ones again, to end my life. I walked the beach for hours, thinking, contemplating my decision. But then God turned up in my darkest hour. He did something inside me and I decided to give him one more chance. A few weeks prior to this a friend gave me a ticket to Colour, a woman’s conference. I decided to give God the chance to do something really big in me there, or that was it.

People knew that I had recently been struggling, and I went to colour with such high expectations. Not only the expectations I had placed on it myself, but also from other people.. Having them say we hope you have breakthrough at this, I hope you are blessed. The butterflies followed me there every day. I was so nerves about what God was… or might do.

Its been over a month now since colour and I am still here. I don’t know what God did at colour, I don’t know what he did in me, but he sure as heck did something. Cause I haven’t been the same person since.  I've had one bad day, which I was easily able to pull myself out of.

Life really hasn’t been the same. I feel such a strong spirit of freedom within me. It feels like I have gone back to my rehab days. The days when I enjoyed life. The days when I was able to overcome anything the enemy throws my way. The days I smiled and loved myself. And God has renewed my passion of letting others know about this freedom that is there for them.

 

God did not create us to live in bondage and brokenness. He created us to live life and live it to its fullest. And this is where my passion lies.

 

Everyone goes through rough times, everyone experiences trails and hurts. But its how we overcome that is the important thing. We can allow our past to control us, or we can allow it to make us stronger and a better person. The latter is ideal.

When we get hurt, either it be from being bullied, having someone close to us pass away, being abused or just life throwing every curve ball possible at us, it is possible to overcome it all and be able to move on in life.

When bad stuff happens to us, the enemy gets excited and takes every chance possible to get his foot in you. Once he has a foothold in yer life, he has got ya good. Ever time you think of the bad, every time you are reminded of your past, the enemy laughs and nudges you to dwell on how bad it all really is. Eventually your life is totally controlled by your past. Everything you believe, everything you think about yourself and your life is going to be negative. The enemy has succeeded!

 

But now its your time to turn it all around. Now its time to kick the enemy out of your life good.

But where do you start? Right at the root of it. Right at where all your beliefs lie.

 

As we walk through life, our experiences often determine our beliefs.  We lock in these beliefs about who we are, where we came from and where are life is going.

 

You may believe you are ugly, you have no purpose, you are alone and feel deeply ashamed. But is that the truth?

 

Gods Word is a book of truth. Within it is the truth about who we are, where we came from and where we are going. And When you can read it, get Gods truth about who you are into your head and your heart you will start to see your life change for the good. And you can just read it once and think that will do. You need to repeat it. You need to read it every day if that’s what its gonna take to change your belief system. For just about every lie… or ungodly belief that you have, there is a promise in the Word that proves you wrong.

 

I can not enforce how powerful this can be. The truth really does set you free, and God is in the freeing business. Right now he wants to set you free from your past. He wants to remove the shame and guilt that it linked to your broken childhood. He wants you to see who you really are in him, not the mistake that you think you are. He wants you too see the purpose that you have in life.

 

He wants to set you free…. But will you let him????

 

Its for freedom that I have been set free.

Me and My dream giver

The Dream Giver has given me a dream, a journey to embark on. It’s not mine, but His, that I will live out for His glory and honour alone.
I will leave the areas of my familiar and of my comfort zone, on the journey to find and fulfil the dream that the Dream Giver has placed in my heart.
I will face obstacles, I will face giants that will set out to derail me, but I will not run from them, I will welcome them instead. Because I know, that in them, my Dream Giver will be preparing me for my dream. He will be making me stronger and more equipped for my dream- I will face these trials and giants with Joy! In them, My Lord will be made known.
I will and have surrendered my dream to My Dream Giver, He gave it to me but it is His to keep. It will just be lived out in and through me as He pleases. At time it will be hard to surrender to Him, but I always will.
I will be a David, a Joshua, a Joseph and a Moses, a dreamer that doesn’t let anything conquer them. A dreamer that relies and trust in their Dream Giver at all times.
I will be a Jabez, a warrior mighty in faith, I will ask My Dream Giver to bless me and to enlarge my territory and with that I will again welcome more trials and giants.
I will be a dreamer that lives in the sanctuary of My Dream Giver. That will welcome invitations to ‘come near, to ‘come into the light’ and to ‘come higher’ with Him. I will welcome His invitations with an open heart, knowing that He loves me with an unending love and knows that I will make mistakes, but its His great love and forgiveness which allows me to get back up and on with my dream.
And when I least expect it, I will welcome the voice of my Dream Giver when He says, "Let me show you more". For my dream is never over until He says so. I will not limit My Dream Giver.
I have decided to pursue my dream because I know that I was born for this.

Are you willing?

Are you willing??? How bad do you want it??? These are questions that I have been asked many times over the last few weeks and especially today.
Are you willing to fight and do what it takes to get to the end?
How bad do you want to live in freedom? How bad do you want all the pain and memories to go away?

We have to want it bad enough. We have to stop sitting on our backsides and feel sorry for ourselves and get up and get it. Dang I know how hard it is. I know the injustice we feel. We sometimes think that we have the right to sit and have the world wait at us hand and foot. We have been hard done by. Sheesh, some of us have had the unthinkable done to us.

But we cant change it, we cant take back what has already been done. yeah ya can sit and ask why? Why me? But that aint gonna change anything. Nothing... absoluterly nothing is going to change what has already been done!

BUT ladies... oh, we can so change what we do with it! We can turn that bad into something good. I know many, prolly all of you have heard this before. Im preaching at myself today too. Im in that same place. I will be honest, I wake up off a morning so depressed and want to spend the day in bed. But at the same time, I dont want to keep living like this. I hate it... HATE it.

Its time we get up and start getting places. its time we get up and do something about how we are feeling. How bad do you want it???? Are you willing to fight??? Are you willing to put in the hard work???

It frustrates me... It makes me angry. But dang... I know... I know what its like.

Whos going to run this race with me??? Walk it if you need!! But get up and start moving. Each step is a step forward!!

I prayed to God...

I Prayed To God

I prayed to God,
To listen to me,
Unlike the times before.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
For him to forgive me,
For I had done wrong.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
To take away my pain,
That was inside of me.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
For him to hold me in his arms,
Like a child with her Daddy.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
To fill me with His love,
Unlike I have felt before.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
To give back my joy,
Which I so longed for.
I felt at peace.

I prayed to God,
To ask Him to heal me,
And he is doing that,
I feel at peace.